Why do I let your words cut me so deeply? Why do I forgive you so easily? Why do I even care about you? Do you remember that day? Do you “dad” ? Remember we got in a huge fight, like always.. I can’t even remember what it was about. There’s been so many.. But do you remember the day I remember so vaguely? After the fight all I wanted to do was end my life.. I don’t know much about pills. I didn’t know what to take or how many to take, but all I wanted to was leave. I didn’t want to hurt anymore. Maybe if I went to school and payed attention more, I would have known what to take to actually pull through with it.. I grabbed what I thought could do it. A full bottle of ibuprofen. I took each and every pill from the bottle.. I hated the taste, but I hated the pain more. So after each and every pill and every gag I replayed a memory in my head.. The words you’ve told me all my life. I replayed the memories.. What you did.. 15 minutes pass and all I have is a terrible taste and an upset stomach.. I didn’t want to vomit.. I didn’t want to lose the progress of the effects of the pills if there were to be any.. But after 30 minutes I couldn’t handle the pain in my stomach anymore.. I ended up puking all over the bathroom floor. I cried on the toilet while thoughts flooded my mind and vomit flooded around me. So what did I do after? I woke you up as you were sleeping, crying to you asking for help.. Your help. This was your fault. Why would I even go back to you? I don’t know. I’ll never know. I told you I wanted to die.. I told you I wanted to end my life and that I had swollowed a bottle of ibuprofen.. Did you jump out of bed? Did you call an ambulance? Did you comfort me? Say you’re sorry and didn’t mean anything you said? I wish..
"Shut the fuck and leave me alone."
But Dad, I don’t feel good. It hurts. I swollowed a whole of pills.. I don’t know what to do. I’m scared…
“Good, we’ll be lucky if you don’t wake up.”
He’s drunk.. He’s high.. He doesn’t mean it. Does he? What kind of father says this to his child? You were supposed to be my partner. You’re supposed to be my best friend.. You’re supposed to love me.. I didn’t know what to feel after that so I just went back to my room.. Practically dead already.. I cut so deeply that night I could literally tuck my finger under my skin where the slit was. I don’t even remember bleeding. I don’t even remember how much blood there was, but of course there was a lot.. It was the deepest cut I have ever done.. All I can remember after that was that I wanted to drift off and just lay there on my floor. I thought maybe this is it. Maybe this will be it. I hoped that I didn’t wake up and I’d hope that he’d feel guilty.. I can remember falling asleep in such peace. I actually think I fell asleep with a smile on my face…. But I woke up…and I still love and forgive you each and everyday.. Even if you’re still the same and it hurts me so much.. I don’t know why.. @2 days ago